


Words that Hurt

by LovelyAkuma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, i guess, tsukki is a dick and he gets what he deserves, tw for suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 14:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyAkuma/pseuds/LovelyAkuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Kei just sat there, trying to understand that Yamaguchi had killed himself, that Yamaguchi was dead, that the person he had in his trembling arms wasn’t Yamaguchi anymore because Yamaguchi was gone.</p><p>or</p><p>Tsukki is an asshole but deep down, like unconcious-level, he knows how much of an asshole he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words that Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this hc going on in tsukiyamaforth eworld about Yama commiting suicide and it all went downhill into a spiral of angst thanks to a lot of lovely people leaving their hc's so I decided to write a fic about with an actual happy ending because I'm a sap.
> 
> So... Basically credits to the suicide anon, wherever you are... and the rest of the people who added to the hc from whom I might have taken little ideas for the fic.

Kei ruffled in bed at the sound of Yamaguchi sniffing and let out a sigh.

They had lost the game by only three points, and Yamaguchi blamed himself because he had missed the last serve, allowing the other server to take the ball and make the points.  Of course, no one had blamed him, but that hadn’t stopped him from feeling like it was his fault.

Kei found it rather annoying.

“Stop crying, Yamaguchi. I’m trying to sleep,” he told the boy.

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

Kei rolled his eyes.

“It was just a match and we lost. That’s it.”

“But we lost because of me, because I wasn’t good enough.”

“Then stop crying and train harder. You’re acting pathetic.”

“Sorry, Tsukki” Yamaguchi repeated and turned around in his futon, his back facing Kei.

Kei sighed and went back to sleep.

 --------------

He was woken up by the sun pouring into the room through the open window. He put on his glasses and the first thing he saw was Yamaguchi in his futon, and his brain had to make a little effort to remember that Yamaguchi had stayed in Kei’s house after the game because there was no one at his house.

He sighed and stretched on his bed, eyeing the clock on the bedside table. It was almost midday.

Kei yawned and sat up on the bed. “Yamaguchi, it’s late. Wake up.”

Yamaguchi didn’t even flinch.

Kei snorted and got on his knees to shake gently shake Yamaguchi awake. “Yamaguchi,” he repeated, his voice louder.

The boy didn’t move.

Kei shook him strongly this time, but he got no reaction from Yamaguchi. He was about to call for his name again when he noticed a small empty bottle next to Yamaguchi’s futon.

Kei went still for half a second and then shook Yamaguchi violently, urging him to wake up, but Yamaguchi never did. He just lay still, absent.

Kei checked for a pulse on Yamaguchi’s cold wrist. There was none.

And Kei just sat there, trying to understand that Yamaguchi had killed himself, that Yamaguchi was dead, that the person he had in his trembling arms wasn’t Yamaguchi anymore because Yamaguchi was _gone_.

Yamaguchi was gone, he wouldn’t cry anymore, he wouldn’t smile anymore, he wouldn’t breathe and sweat and run and block and serve anymore…

Kei could almost hear the rumble of his world crashing down, and the click of his own heart closing.

 --------------

If calling 911 with Yamaguchi’s body still between his arms hadn’t been painful enough, the funeral was worse.

They were all gathered in the cemetery under big black umbrellas –because like in a stupid clichéd movie it had started raining- listening to someone reciting some words to Yamaguchi’s ashes, as if Yamaguchi was still there, but he wasn’t. Why were all those people talking to Yamaguchi when he was clearly dead and gone and out of reach? It was stupid, Kei thought.

He stood still, staring at a little white urn that contained what was left of Yamaguchi, trying not to focus in the crowd of people crying and whispering, crying because of Yamaguchi, whispering because his best friend didn’t looked affected at all, because his best friend wasn’t crying, because his best friend was coldly looking at his ashes like they weren’t anything other than an ashtray.

The team, nonetheless, stood protectively around Kei. He stood between Akiteru and Sugawara. His brother was shaking, trying hard not to cry, while Sugawara was silently crying, one hand on his mouth as if to keep the sobs in, and the other one wrapped firmly into Sawamura’s.

The rest of the team didn’t look better at all. Hinata was sobbing with Kageyama covering his mouth to prevent him from screaming while he himself cried; Hitoka was shaking into Kiyoko-san’s arms, who had hidden her face into the little girl’s hair; Tanaka, along with Ennoshita and the rest of the B team were trying to hold back the tears, but all of them failed; Nishinoya was telling Azumane in a low voice, between his tears, to stop crying.

The whole team had broken down because Yamaguchi wouldn’t play with them anymore, but Kei was the only one apparently unaffected.

He closed his umbrella and pretended the rain were tears, his gaze still fixed in that insignificant white urn.

 --------------

After the funeral, he just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t sad, he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t _devastated_. He just didn’t feel a thing, and he didn’t want to feel things. He was afraid of what those things could do to him, so staring at the ceiling was the sanest choice he had.

He heard a knock on the door and closed his eyes, knowing Akiteru would come into the room anyway.

“I know you’re awake,” he said, and his voice shook. Kei didn’t reply. “I am so sorry about Tadashi-kun. He didn’t deserve to-”

“What do you want?” Kei said, his eyes still closed.

“Yamaguchi-san gave me something for you. She said it was inside Yamaguchi’s pocket and it had your name in it.”

Kei didn’t reply, and his brother sighed. He felt his brother leaving a little sheet of paper on his chest, but didn’t move. He took a couple of minutes after his brother left before opening his eyes slowly and taken the paper.

It was a little note, folded in half. In black shaky messed-up handwriting, it read:

_Tsukki,_

_It’s not your fault. I am never good enough and I understand that you never felt the way I did. Your words hurt ~~but I forgive~~_

_It’s so stupid how they still hurt, even now._

_Sorry, Tsukki._

Kei held the little piece of paper between his fingers, reading over an over the few words written in it, taking in the painful slashes of the pen across the paper, and he realized something, something that was so stupid, so obvious, so disgusting that he felt like an oblivious idiot for not realizing it sooner: he had killed Yamaguchi.

 --------------

He avoided the volleyball club for two weeks, and the whole team avoided him for that period of time. He felt hollow, not like there was something missing inside, but as if there was absolutely nothing. And still, he felt heavy. Everything was too exhausting; everyone was too loud, the air felt thick.

He’d spend the entire class hours staring at the empty desk in front of his, imagining Yamaguchi turning around to ask him to lend him his book because he had forgotten it again. He pictured Yamaguchi’s soft apologetic smile and he smiled back at the memory, only to drop the smile as soon as he remembered that there was no one there, that the seat was empty, that there was no one who’d call him _Tsukki_ anymore.

He would sometimes forget Yamaguchi was no longer by his side. He would find himself slowing down to wait for someone who wasn’t even there to tie his shoelaces, walking his shadow to a home he could no longer call home, waiting at the bus stop for someone who would never get there, leaving his headphones down to hear a voice he would never speak to him.

When the constant reminders that Yamaguchi was no longer there were almost too much to handle, Kei decided it was time to go back to volleyball, to get his head into something else.

The team received him with warm smiles and pats on the back, and as soon as he was back on the court, his mind drifted to the game. He jumped higher and ran faster and hit harder, he played until every inch of his body ache and he was out of breath, he played until his body hurt so much that his mind couldn’t focus in another pain that was not physical.

It was a good distraction, until he outstretched his hand to take a towel from Yamag—

Sugawara passed him a towel with a sad smile. “You can use mine,” he offered and rubbed the back of his head. “It’s okay. We aren’t used to it either,” he said slowly.

“Used to it?”

“To Yamaguchi-kun being gone. It was so sudden and if it affected us, I can’t begin to think of what it must have been for you—”

“I’m fine,” he lied. He didn’t feel fine. He didn’t feel bad either. He felt nothing.

“If you need someone to talk to, Daichi and I are always—”

“Why are you being nice to me?” he asked, and his voice shook. _Shit_.

“Because we are a team and we are worried about you.”

“Why?”

“Because you are our friend, Tsukishima.”

“I don’t deserve you to be worried about me,” he said simply and walked away.

“You don’t mean that,” Sugawara said behind him, and Kei turned around almost agree.

“I mean it! I killed him! Stop being nice to me when you know it was my fault!” he shouted, and the whole team stopped to look at them.

Sugawara gave a step forward.

“It wasn’t you. You couldn’t have helped it, Tsukishi—”

“I killed him!” he shouted again, and this time, the height of the realization brought him to his knees. “I killed him,” he repeated and hid his face into his hands, shaking violently as the sobs he’d been holding for weeks finally broke through the walls that he’d built up when he’d found that little bottle.

“Tsukishima,” he head Sugawara’s voice faintly, as he felt hands trying to get his hands off his face.

“I killed him,” he sobbed into his hands. “I am so sorry,” he whispered, as the tears flowed nonstop.

“Tsukki,” Sugawara said, and it made Kei stop for a second, because no one calls him like that. “Tsukki!” Sagawara’s voice sounded louder and closer and not really like Sugawara’s voice at all, but rather like Yamaguchi’s.

With his heart in his throat, Kei lifted his head enough to look at the person he had in front of him. The first thing he saw was freckles and a worried expression in a pair of dark eyes, and it broke his heart.

“Tsukki, it’s okay,” Yamaguchi said soothingly.

Kei wanted to tell the illusion to go away, but when he tried to talk he could only manage a strangled desperate sound.

“It’s okay, Tsukki, I’m with you. It’s a dream. Whatever it was, it was just a dream,” Yamaguchi said slowly, lowering Kei’s hands with one of his and cupping Kei’s face into his other one.

Kei frowned and was confused for a second; then he took in his surroundings: the night sky outside his window, the clock on his bedside table marking 3:17 am, the futon on the floor, Yamaguchi beside him on the bed.

 _A dream_ , he thought, and he instinctively reached out for Yamaguchi and held the boy tight against his chest. It had been a dream. Yamaguchi was alive. Yamaguchi was breathing, his heart beating, his voice intact, his freckles scattered all over his flushed and worried face full of life because he wasn’t dead.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi said, his voiced muffled by Kei’s shirt. “Are you okay? Did you have a bad nightmare?”

“Yes,” he replied when he was able to talk.

Yamaguchi tried to draw himself away a little from Kei, but he held him tighter.

“Tsukki?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what?”

“About everything. I don’t think you’re pathetic and I don’t think you’re annoying, but every time I feel like saying something nice, something bad comes out of my mouth, but it doesn’t mean that you deserve it. You are the best person I know, Yamaguchi, so please forgive me, even if I don’t have the right to ask for that, forgive me. I’m so sorry.”

Against everything that Kei could have expected, Yamaguchi laughed.

“Where does that come from?” Yamaguchi asked laughing softly. “Do you even know me? I’m not some kind of masochist, Tsukki. If I thought you actually mean every time you’re an asshole, I would have left you long ago, wouldn’t I?”

“You were crying, and I said that to you…”

“Because you _act_ like an asshole,” Yamaguchi said, switching a little so he could lay in bed next to Kei comfortably. “But that doesn’t mean you are one. You did say that I should practice more, and you are right… Although you could have avoided the last part.”

“I’m sorry.”

Yamaguchi looked at him.

“What did you even dream about?”

Kei bit his lip.

“You… you killed…” he trailed off, not even being able to finish the sentence, but Yamaguchi understood.

“Tsukki! Do you really think I’m the type of person who would do that? I’m a little offended.”

“I don’t think you would! But… What I say does hurt you…”

“Of course, when you mean them.” Kei made a low noise and Yamaguchi shook his head. “Okay, okay. Three things. First of all, stop crying, Tsukki, I’m alive, you have no reason to cry and you’re actually freaking me out. Second, I know you’re not an asshole so stop being so full of yourself, your words don’t hurt as much as you’d think…”

He waited for Kei to say something, but all Kei replied was:

“And what’s the third one?”

“It’s 3 am, Tsukki. We should go to bed,” he said and started up to go back to his futon, but Kei caught him by the arm.

“I don’t mind of you stay,” he said.

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes but lay back down next to Kei. “You should be more honest,” he whispered and kissed Kei on the cheek before tucking himself under the blanket.

Kei wrapped his arms around Yamaguchi and rest his chin on top of his hair, making sure he could feel the heat of his body, his heartbeat, his steady breathing, his snoring, all those little things that Yamaguchi was alive, and by his side.

How come he hadn’t cherished the boy like he deserved, when Yamaguchi was always so honest and caring towards him? Kei shook his head and smiled to himself. He placed a kiss on top of Yamaguchi's head and swore to make up for every time he’d hurt him.

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE A THING FOR MAKING TSUKKI SOB OVER YAMAGUCHI HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?
> 
> Hope you liked it, please comment or send me what you thought about it to my blog (nomoregoodbyekisses)


End file.
